


All The Waiters In Your Grand Cafe

by Deerman3



Category: Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: Baby, Fatherhood, Gen, crazy nonsense, for all your baby needs, love that theres a baby - character tag, noir has a baby au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-14 05:31:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18046418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deerman3/pseuds/Deerman3
Summary: Noir's baby is taking advantage of his modern mindedness.





	All The Waiters In Your Grand Cafe

**Author's Note:**

> i gave Noir a baby is it funnier if its him and not Peter B.

Ham stuck his head in through a portal. "Pssst. Is the coast clear." 

"Howdy Ham. Nope don't come in. Keep an eye on her for a second for me." Noir was in the dining room, and so was his baby. 

Noir crossed the room and knocked some stuff over in the hallway, and the baby stared at Ham. Ham winked at her with one of the eyes on his nose. "I've been told to keep an eye on you." 

She started fidgetting. Noir hurry, she's fidgetting!! 

Noir came back with a broom and dust pan. "Stop that." He said. She got even more fidgetty. Noir cleaned the floor under her chair and around the room. She stopped bouncing to watch him. 

"Come in, Ham." Noir said. "Just watering the baby." 

"Alright, cool." Ham said, jumping on to the couch. 

Noir addressed his daughter after she was done looking at Ham. "Have you learned anything? Can you please stop purposefully destroying glasses now?" Noir filled a glass half way up with water, which his baby drank. She dropped the glass to the ground, and Ham webbed it and pulled it to himself. 

"Can you stop not catching it, dummy?" He said to Noir, and she went back to staring at him. "Hey, how ya doing?" 

"Ba." She chirped. 

"Close but not cigar, it's 'oink'." He told her. 

"Ba." She took a glass and dropped it towards Ham, who again webbed it before it could shatter. 

Noir sighed at him. "You're going to confuse her. Life isn't always going to to just hand a Spider-Ham to her." He handed her another glass. 

Ham tossed his two glasses in the air and juggled them, and after the baby realized juggling just two objects isn't that impressive, she dropped the glass. Ham webbed it and got to juggling for real. The baby waved her arm at him. "You're trying to teach her gravity the most expensive way you can think of?" He asked. 

"Yeah, I was saving these things to throw at... at nothing, nevermind." 

Ham raised an eyebrow. 

Noir changed the subject, defending his daughter. "She should know that toys can go on the ground but glasses don't. I mean, she's my daughter." 

"You tried telling her to stop?" 

"She won't listen." 

"Ba ba ba ba ba aaaaaaaoooo." 

"Are you a little lamb?" Noir said. He cleared his throat. "Sorry, I can't help it." 

"It's cute." 

The baby gestured that she needed another glass. Ham stopped juggling, dropping two glasses into his lap. 

"This is it. Really think about what you want to do. Look at him, he's got THREE glasses. And you don't have any, because you just keep dropping them." Noir handed it over, and it shattered. Ham laughed. 

Noir glanced at Ham like this was his fault. "Hey," Ham said, "I may be good at fighting and dancing, but I can't do four. If I dropped a glass, I'd get in trouble." He started juggling again. "And I'd feel bad." 

"Ba!" Said the baby. 

" _Bad_." Noir told her. 

"Hey, have you guys invented childhood yet?" 

"Well, she doesn't really owe me for much, so for now she can stay." 

"The glasses." Ham said. 

"What..." Noir said. "Oh yes, the glasses. Well." 

"What, are you that tired?" 

"No, she loves grabbing my glasses lenses first and trying to break the arms. I mean the ones I'm wearing. Lenses first, Ham." 

"Oh, yeah, it's always the important stuff." 

"It's everything, Ham." Noir swept the floor again and picked up the baby, taking her to the couch. He sat with Ham, standing his baby up on his knees and holding her hands. 

Ham stood up. "Son of a gun, she's gonna be bigger than me." 

"Yeah."

**Author's Note:**

> i based it on that short story of the dad who gives his baby an hour of time out every time she rips a page out of her books and shes just locked up forever until hes like oh wait she cant read on her own yet also im being wildly oblivious about babies. this is the opposite of that. i hope it was amusing!


End file.
